(SCENE: The classroom. Students fill most of the desks and await the beginning of class. At the front of the classroom stand VENUS and MARS on either side of the blackboard. VENUS, in her pretty floral-print summer dress, smiles warmly: her pleasant face framed by curly hair and her big dewy eyes sparkle with delight as she looks over the students. On the other side of the blackboard stands MARS, dressed in a faded and torn leather jacket and motorcycle pants, with scuffed old biker boots. He looks aggravated, and hasn't shaved in a few days. His arms are folded and he taps his foot impatiently as he scowls at the students.)
VENUS: Hello students, and welcome to our Venus and Mars class! I'm so happy you're all here! This is going to be a Facebook-based course where we learn all about the planets that most directly address who and what and how you Love... Venus and Mars. We're going to have a good time with it, and there will be plenty of sharing and caring and conversation and fun times and sugar cookies and --
(MARS reaches out and drags his fingernails across the blackboard, producing a nerve-shattering screech)
MARS: Listen up chumps! You're here to LEARN! There's going to be a text book and charts and a lot of critical thinking, because Venus and Mars are all about what you really want to get out of life, and you don't get what you want by sitting around holding hands and singing "kumbaya" all freakin' day long! If you really want to learn how to use this information to make your life better, you'll have to get off your sorry ass and apply yourself!
VENUS: (Startled but determined to take control of the class back) By now you will all have received ou invitation to the Facebook room the class takes place in. It's a "Secret Group," so you'll receive a notice whenever anything new is posted, but others won't be able to see it's there or be interrupted by unwanted messages --
MARS: Like, your enemies! Your enemies will never know you're learning more about their positions!
VENUS: Now, we'd like to have everyone possible attend, so there's still a chance for them to join us... because we want everyone to be as happy as possible --
MARS: But you'd better WRITE FOR DETAILS and do it NOW, or you're going to get left behind!
VENUS: (looking at MARS with concern) You're too stressed out.
MARS: (looking at VENUS and noticing her cleavage) You're too... soft.
VENUS: (takes MARS' chalk-stained hand) You could use a good manicure.
MARS: (breathing heavily) You could use a good spanking.
A STUDENT AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM: Hey, are we going to get this class started now, or what?
***
VENUS AND MARS: AN ASTROLOGICAL LOVE STORY (mostly)
has begun, and the classroom is now open!
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